


I could cry just thinkin' about you

by Sourest_Cherry_Scone_Baby



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Lack of Communication, M/M, Pre-Book 2: Wayward Son, Tearsss, because im a monster and i give him pain, my tags give me a headache, none of that happy shit in 2021, simon loves baz so much yall it kills me, someone please give baz a hug, we need angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-11 22:47:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28500165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sourest_Cherry_Scone_Baby/pseuds/Sourest_Cherry_Scone_Baby
Summary: Simon and Baz have a fight and Simon has a realization.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 4
Kudos: 50





	I could cry just thinkin' about you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [laeveleve](https://archiveofourown.org/users/laeveleve/gifts).



> Fic inspired by this text post on Tumblr:  
> https://laeve-leve.tumblr.com/post/639157496020434944/i-just-cant-stop-wondering-about-when-simon
> 
> broke my heart fellas.

**SIMON**

"Hey."

I startle out of my thoughts, blinking up to see Baz standing beside me. When did he come in? I try sneaking a look at Penny, who'd been working on the far end of the room on her bean bag chair, but she's nowhere to be seen.

"Where's Pen?"

Baz gives me a perplexed look. 

"She must have left an hour ago. She had evening classes." 

An hour ago. I don't even remember her leaving. I don't even remember the hours passing. Have I really been sitting like this for the whole day? Crowley.

I feel a lump in my throat, I don't even know why. This is not new, but fuck. Being this useless hurts.

Baz must sense something because the next moment, he's gently touching my shoulder. "Snow?" He asks carefully, softly. 

"'M fine." I mumble, picking on the fibers off my trackie bottoms. I hate the sound of his voice, hate how he is so careful about me. Like I'm porcelain, which, I'm fucking not.

"Alright." He says after a moment. "I have bought scones!" 

He waves a packet in front of my face, his face bright. I can see just how fake it all is, how fake his smile is. How, underneath all that faux excitement, his concern is bubbling out. There is no spark in his eyes, all I see is worry.

"I'm not hungry." I say flatly.

He deflates a little but not enough to drop the charade.

"Oh, come on, Snow. You love scones. At least have one." He drops the packet on the table in front of the sofa and gently laces our hands together. His voice is far more mellow when he speaks again.

"Please?" He says. 

It's too much. I can't bear this.

"I said I'm not hungry." I say far louder than I intended to. But I am mad. I am so fucking mad. I pull away my hand and ball up my fists, shoving them under my armpits, and draw my legs close to my chest. "I'm not hungry and stop acting like I'm a toddler who can be cheered up by sweets."

There is a long silence in which I can hear my own heavy breathing.

"I-" Baz tries but then I hear him clear his throat. "I'm sorry. I-I'll go."

His voice cracks towards the end and before I can say anything, he's got up and wordlessly, he walks out of my flat.

I don't know how long I stay like that, balled up and numb by my own outburst. And then my eyes start stinging. I try pushing it away, pushing it in, but sometimes you just can't stop it. Sometimes, it just flows out when you've been holding in things for too long.

Why am I hurting so much? Baz should be hurt, he is the one who got yelled at for no reason except for the fact that he wanted to cheer up his pathetic boyfriend. Why am I hurting for him?

It was never like this with Agatha.

I know I had hurt her too at times and I'd feel bad about it but not like- not like _this_. Not like this ache, not like it would actually fucking make me cry over it. Maybe it's because I have been on the edge lately but I suspect there is more at play.

Just being with him brightens my day, even if it's for a moment. I don't remember feeling like I'd float out of my body when Agatha would give me true, genuine smile. But Baz does make me feel like that. And her touch never overwhelmed me. Baz's does.

But I still crave for it. I crave for him, even though I don't let him in. I'm afraid he'll go if he gets too close because he will see too much. See what all is in my head. I was never this afraid of losing Agatha. I never wanted to protect her from me, even though I was a threat then too. I want to protect Baz. I wanted Agatha to be safe too but in the way I wanted every other mage to be safe.

Because I was never in love with her.

But Baz. Oh, _Baz._

I bury my face in between my knees, feeling my tears dampen my bottoms. I don't think I'll be able to stop crying anytime soon.

I never knew loving someone could hurt this much.

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the song "could cry just thinkin' about you" by Troye Sivan.


End file.
